Starting Over, Celiac Style

There are a lot of new beginnings in life. A new job. New home. New relationship. Some (I'm talking to all victims of the dreaded "break up") are better than others, but they all have a purpose in life.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself as I type this post with a heat pack tied to my cheek to treat the infection that invaded the space where one of my wisdom teeth used to be.

Nothing like pantyhose and heatpack to
make a girl feel attractive!

As I mentioned in my last post, I knew something was wrong when the chipmunk cheek returned, but what I wasn't expecting when I walked into the doctor's office was my infected gum dancing the tango with needles and metal scrapers. And leaving - after a traumatizing thirty minutes of cleaning - with the instructions to start my wisdom teeth treatment "all over again."

I know the dentist meant to be comforting by implying that I already knew everything I had to do; that I was just getting a fresh start at a happy jaw. But I hated the implied failure. The idea that no progress had been made and therefore my suffering after the first wisdom teeth episode was moot.

Was all this for nothing? (Source)

Yet, as I spent yesterday zombified by pain killers and banana-peanut butter smoothies (I'm following readers' peanut butter-pound gaining advice), I found another reason for my dislike of that phrase: that, after all the "ends" celiac has thrown in my life, I'm tired of starting over.

I'm tired of gaining weight only to lose it during weeks of stress or sickness.

I'm tired of attaining the mystical healthy gut until a glutening stomps on my intestines.

This tiredness has never seemed more clear than this summer when I've had the time to realize the weaknesses of my post-celiac body. One summer ago, two summers ago, I was at my physical peak of fitness. My mom jokingly called me the "muscular Barbie" as I transformed from a natural stick to a sleek, strong young woman. I reached my highest weight, but also my highest confidence because I knew the strength this body - I - contained.

Me, two summers ago

Now, I'm dead after 15 minutes in the pool. Now, my sneakers haven't beat the pavement in months. Now, I'm back to being a stick. I can't help but hate celiac for nixing all the stamina and strength that I worked so hard to achieve. I hate that, like with my wisdom teeth, I've been forced to start over, not only in terms of my physical strength, but also in my identity as an athlete.

What I'm even more tired of, though? Negativity haunting my life. This morning, the first morning after my infection was removed, I moped around the house like a depressed druggie. I cried over the Instagram photos of foods that I couldn't eat. I growled at my mom, who I will honestly describe as the most loving and positive person I've ever met. I acted like the world as I knew it was ending.

This was me…without the smile

I suppose if you consider my "world" as being healed from wisdom teeth surgery, I would be right. But, the world is much bigger than that, much bigger than my fitness level or even than my pre-and-post-celiac identities.

And, as I devoured a chocolate sweet potato smoothie and dove into my latest book, the truth of that statement finally hit me. My doctor took me off antibiotics and on a medicinal mouthwash, saving my mouth and my tummy. Even with one bad tooth, three healed without a hitch. And while I won't win a bodybuilding contest anytime soon, my sneakers and swimsuit aren't dusty just yet!

I found the "sweet" in "bittersweet!"

Beginnings generally hurt because they require an ending. To start a new job, one must have left an old one or the unemployed stage of life. To experience new kisses, lips must be stained with phrases like, "It's not you, it's me." And, for me to gain a healthy mouth and a healthy body, I have to feel the pain of a sick one.

And, as I dream of post-healing plates of food and post-summer strength, I, for once, don't mind.


*Also found at Runningwithspoon's link party!*


What do you think of new beginnings? Was celiac a new beginning for you? Comment below!