Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Privacy is a strange thing when you're a blogger. In some ways, we have none of it - on purpose. I've shared my lowest moments, like when I was hospitalized or first struggling with body image as a newly diagnosed celiac. I've also shared some of my highest...like graduating from college a few short weeks ago!

Yet, as open as I try to be, there have still been some facts that I've felt too scared to share - facts that have proven one of the posters I remember hanging in my tenth grade English class. It featured the picture of a fountain pen scrawling in red ink: "Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed."

As dramatic as it sounds, this old saying is relatively true. Sometimes, we force ourselves to type through writer's block, wincing at every click of the keyboard. Sometimes, we write because it feels too natural not to. And, in rare times like this one, we let our hidden thoughts run freely, only stopping the flow when we've run out of room on the page.

A few weeks ago, I read Ashley's "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" post on Blissful Basil, and instantly loved her vulnerability. Now it's my turn to explore what it feels like to be 100% open...and hopefully inspire someone else to do the same.

Okay, enough philosophical mumbo jumbo. What have I been afraid to tell you? Well...

1. I'm not 100% healed from celiac complications. Sure, I'm technically in remission (a phrase apparently used when your antibody levels reach normal levels). However, I still fight my share of belly battles. I still sometimes bloat for no decipherable reason - even if I'm eating and doing the same things each day. I lose weight easily (especially when I'm stressed), and I definitely need more sleep than the average 21-year-old. Does this "lack" of health make me less qualified to talk about thriving with celiac disease? I don't know - but sometimes it feels like it does.

2. I may post vegan and paleo recipes...but I'm not totally in either camp. This is mostly problematic in the great world of Instagram where tagging one smoothie bowl "vegan" can make the sweet potato salmon sliders you post a few hours later totally unacceptable. Some aspects of vegan and paleo diets are definitely appealing - like helping to end cruel animal practices and eating from a less processed menu. However, I don't think I'll ever dedicate myself to either camp - and I shouldn't have to justify my plant-based-granola-lovin'-ever-changing diet to anyone.

Allll the granola!

3. I'm an A+ student at telling others to listen to their bodies. I often fail at listening to my own.

4. Life after college is H-A-R-D...way harder than I ever thought it would be. Working full-time is definitely rewarding, but also super intense and exhausting. And leaving my friends to finish their college career together this semester? It kinda sucks. I didn't realize how much whiplash I'd be hit with by going from living with four girls and being surrounded by friends...to living with my folks in Colorado Springs. I'm scared that I won't make friends here without the helping hand of college classes. I'm even more scared that my California friendships will die over time. Overall, I'd say graduation is the best and the worst at the same time.

5. I'm still learning how to unconditionally love my body. Compared to years ago, I've made undeniable progress. Heck, I went without makeup for almost my entire last semester of college ('cause having more time to eat a smoothie bowl > wasting time putting on makeup for my two classes that day). But I still am my own harshest critic. I still let the state of my stomach have far too much influence on my mood each day. I'm still a work in progress.

My usual look

6. When I don't have the time or energy to create a blog post, or I miss one of my "regular" posting days, I feel like I'm letting you all down.

7. I'm scared to hear back from grad schools...more scared than I let myself feel all during the application process. Right now, my motto is: "I've done all I can do. Now, whatever is meant to happen will happen." But I still have this niggling voice in my head telling me all the money and time that will be wasted if I don't get in - and the uncertainty of where my life would go from there.

8. Speaking of uncertainty...I'm not sure exactly where I am - or this blog is - going. I know I want to re-brand the blog (I even have a name picked out - I think y'all will like it!), but I don't even know where to start. Even more than that, I'm terrified of losing all of the progress I've built up in these last months by switching names and platforms. As for me...well, my constant goal is to just survive each day! I don't know where I'll be living this time next year, who I'll be friends with, or what I'll be doing (hopefully grad school). As terrifying as that concept can be, though, it's also (crazily) exciting.

...and we'll stop there since eight is my favorite number - and y'all are probably very excited to get out of my head (I know I wish I could, sometimes!).

Throwing it back...

Even though I've been blogging for over three years now, I'm still not sure I've figured out where the right "privacy" line exists. As a reader, I know that some of the posts that have touched me the most have been dangerously personal. As a blogger, I also know how terrifying pressing "publish" can be. For now, I suppose I'll approach every post like I approach every day: making it up as I go along.

And, hopefully, post by post, there will be fewer things I'm afraid to tell you.


*Also found at Turn it Up Tuesdays, Wow Me Wednesday, RunningwithSpoons. SITS Girls!*


If you blog, how do you feel about privacy? As a reader, do you appreciate more vulnerable posts? Let me know your thoughts below!